The widow, the Zeigarnik Effect and attraction
Had something happen that reminded me of something and also reminded me of a post from here and another angle to it.
-scratching post for widow restarting
for about 8 months or so, a woman has been putting herself on my radar, turning up part way along my walks, running into me in places, places i had not seen her before, places i go regularly.
Its been a noticeable difference and also she isnt hiding it, that she is there to see me. Its not overly regular but seems to have a rythm to it.
Its come out that she lost her husband a couple of years ago, has been dealing with that, has been gradually dipping her toe in things since. I do remember seeing her occasionally before and her vanishing so this fits.
so, i've been a bit of a scratching post, for her to try things out on and practice with her claws again.
Its been an enjoyable experience and fun, watching her reactions and her surprise to some of my responses.
Gradually month by month I can see her opening up and letting more of herself out. I can see where she is at, that she is not ready and so i've been letting her play without biting back, I did let her know I could though and she got that message clearly, then recognised i wasnt and kept playing, relaxing into the playing more.
--
I ran into her in a local shop, she was with a friend, who immediately upon realising this was who she had been talking to her about (her friend stated this, she gave so much away without realising it) started grilling me, asking me all the usual questions to try and figure out who and/or what i am.
So, the original one grabs the others arm and wants to drag her away, she is trying to get her to stop asking questions, quietly and firmly. The friend starts to get annoyed at this and asks her why.
I was watching them, how they were interacting and the reactions of the original, had not answered the questions, as they were not questions she had asked but the friend and the friend was not waiting for the answers, more watching my response to the questions. very different characters from the two of them were showing.
she says 'dont ask him, i dont want to know.', 'if you carry on i am leaving'. she was most determined.
i then leave them to it, removing her ability to ask me questions and go and get the things i was after, by the time i get round to where they were they are gone..
--
Days later I am sitting in a coffee shop in a quiet corner and she comes in, she says hi and starts apologising for her friend the other day, the first subject that came up.
So i explain it was no problem, I could see you didnt want the answers, so left. I said I thought I knew why, I was curious as to how she would put it (ask some questions you already know the answer to)
She said that she wanted to wonder, she wanted to come up with different answers, she wanted to imagine, she wanted to daydream..
If she had the answers she could not do that anymore.
got quite thoughtful then and said that with her husband, she had known all the answers, she knew, in some ways she knew too much, the mistique had gone somewhat, everything was laid bare. since his passing she had realised this, he was almost too familiar. Our chats had reinforced this.
That she was enjoying not knowing again, wondering, guessing, imagining.. then meeting me and seeing if what she thought fitted and learning something new in the process.. then go away and repeat.
She felt like a teenager again, for the first time in many years, sitting wondering about a boy.
Her not knowing kept me on her mind, kept bringing me back up again with the questions, she was enjoying that, she had forgotten that. That she hadnt realised before how much she missed that feeling.
the wondering
she then gave me some examples of just what she had 'thought up' about me during the time we've been talking. I laughed, i really did and she did along with me, some of them were outrageous and funny.
yet she had that space to wonder, to fantasise, to imagine, to play with her mind and she was enjoying it.
I assured her i would try not to give away too many clues along the way until she asked, to which she laughed and relaxed more.
shortly after she left, she had done what she came for.
--
-the 'unfinished problem' post by Jared, The Zeigarnik Effect
viewtopic.php?p=50544#p50544
This leads onto the thoughts about the 'unfinished'.
The unfinished bits, the unanswered questions, the questions yet to be asked, they all keep something on your mind.. unfinished business that will bug you until you finish it.
When I initially read Jareds post, I thought the 'flavour' to it was that this was a bad thing in the way that it would take up mental space and distract you and so on, like a bug or tick left in your brain.
I also had experience of using this process myself, to process things in the background, by purposefully leaving them as unfinished so they would resurface, which was where my post on the subject came from.
However there is also another angle to this, as demonstrated by the lady above, it is part of the whole mystery and intrique part of dating and meeting new people.
How fast do you divulge info, how fast do you seek it, how fast do they provide it..
at what point do you have enough that the wonder bit dies down as the curiousity does, at what point does something become too familiar.
--
In a lot of ways, keeping that unfinished business is what keeps that person thinking about you (together with other things), it can fuel that and keep it going.. In some cases in a bad way when you dont want to think about them.. in another way as she demonstrates when you do want to, it can be good..
Asking too many questions or providing too much info can kill that process, stop it dead in its tracks, even if all the other stars are aligned.
Because that wonder, that unknown information is partly what creates that draw to each other, as you want to find out more, you want to experience more, and also you have so many questions, its quite a potent mix put together.
--
This brings me onto
-kiwis post, my comment about not letting it all out there at the start
viewtopic.php?p=50310#p50310
In my reply to kiwi, i was asking if he really needed to let it all out there at the start, if he really had to disclose everything, be an open book from day 1 so to speak.
To me, this is one of the fastest ways to kill things, for the reasons given above... bang, any curiosity is gone, the other party knows it all from day1, and not in a good way, and not really mattering if the info is good or bad.
they know too much for their own good and for yours.
and at a too fast pace for them to process it, its just all meshed together.
the same applies to you as well... imagine if day1 you both sat down and told each other your whole life story and everything.
what is there left to explore?
in a lot of ways, you want questions that you dont have answers to, to keep you wondering, just like they do... so they can sit there and wonder and fantasise and imagine, come up with crazy ideas...
because they dont have anything stopping them doing it... when they know all the answers they do because they know you didnt or wouldnt.. until then they dont know, so they can imagine.
That part of your brain that is activated when something is left undone, or unfinished, or unknown. that can be utilised to keep that person on the mind.
conversely, once everything is known, once its all filled in and the boxes are checked, does that part close down or diminish... do those little flights of fantasy close down with it.
is that the point at which things become too familiar
which somehow makes me think of the Westermarck effect and similar theories, where groups who are raised too close together somehow later fail to develop attraction, as the others are just too familiar, there is no wonder, there is no guessing, they already know them inside out.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westermarck_effect
let it take time, let it take effort.. dont blurt it all at once, dont ask it all at once, let them wonder, wonder yourself. enjoy it.
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