Natural Freedom

Since high school I've been reading and reading; seeking and seeking. Made great changes, but I worked more so from the outside in. Didn't know better, just the way it happened. Fear had much to do with it, as well as a weak minded mind. I teased myself with the idea of changing and evolving. Never actually believing I could change.

I read and searched for the answers. I was inquisitive and asked and asked, but I was looking at it all the wrong way. I created a game for myself that had no end. It was a wild goose chase, except there was NO goose.

My thought process was if I keep reading and answering, hopefully the answers will come to me. "I will have this GREAT epiphany one night, and pooof! my life will be splendid!"One huge thing was I lacked honesty with myself. That aided greatly in the game I kept playing. I realized today we create the blocks in our life (speaking relative to beliefs and internal processes; not a block externally although you might have created that too) and we can choose if the process will be easy or difficult. I've chosen to make the process difficult up until now.

I've been teasing myself with the idea of change. As I keep pulling back the layers I get closer to the core (so fulfilling). What I thought a few weeks ago "I'm bettering myself for me" ended up being a lie. When I boiled it down it was "doing it more for the punani, acceptance, and approval". All that changed today.

I decided that I'm doing this for myself. I sat down and clarified what I want out of this introspection, out of life, and what I want for myself. Had myself an enjoyable day at the park, alone. I enjoyed a moderate amount of psilocybin mushrooms and let what would come to me come to me. After my trip I made it clear that my path is my path. It's not a cookie cutter mold of someone else's path. I will be going in alone into the caves I've been hiding from most of my life. I will be dragging out the demons that hide in the shadows and exposing them to the light. I'll be the Master of my own life.

One of the things that's been bugging me for a long time is the amount of times I've told myself I would change, be it writing it down in a journal, online, or mentally. It was all mental masturbation. Over time my words lost their validity and strength. I ask myself how is this time different? I understand and accept now that I'm the only one that can go within myself and shift the things I want shifted. None of you can make the shifts within me that I want. "You can guide a horse to the river, but you can't force it to drink."

Also, I'd like to apologize to those who I have wasted their time be it with a question or squandering. I didn't know better at the time and was acting laze-ishly. Like Moose I realized I've posted a few threads that at the time I thought I was being honest with myself, but between the lines it was bullshit; I was writing them to get approval from you fellas (I would check to see what you fellas would say: "excellent" means +, no comments means ). What I can see though is everything I've done so far has led me to where I am today and the decision I made today. If I could change the way I got here I probably would. I'm just happy I came to this point and had this shift.

What utter and complete shit.

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

if you could change the way you probably wouldn't be here.
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check out the quoted sig.

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"I'd rather have no bitch than a half a bitch" Iceberg Slim

You traveled with a pretty heavy load on your trip lol, the ego is amazingly good at letting you deceive yourself into thinking you`ve made progress when your not.

It`s ironic that you deceive your self and then deceive yourself by making up a dream state about deceiving yourself. Inception

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

Nothing happens until one accepts where he really is.

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♫♫♩♫‿◦

Shit . on the bus heading home, but will soak this in and see what comes of it.

Fuck dude...a little speechless and unsure. It sucks a ton coming here and having moments where you feel you haven't came that far. Was I just writing to put stuff down on the internet and get acceptance. It felt cool when I was typing it. Obviously, it wasn't authentic from the responses. I've been here for some time now and got to know y'all a bit, so I trust you fellas. My ego is fucking with me and I can't even see it.

"Stuffing feathers up your butt doesn't make you a chicken."
Thanks for the honesty. No sarcasm.
The story of my life pretty much. Fucking think I've made a decision only to come round full circle. WTH am I NOT getting.
Accept that I'm scared, have a shaky self-esteem, feel stuck, feel alone, and all the other things... What's that gonna do. ya I know its there...they'll still be there. Never understood that saying. Am I in denial, and can't even realize it.

How'd you go about uncovering your own ego, cause from what you said, and I agree with you, my ego has me on a chase.

Morpheus, I don't want to be a chump who goes in circles and just enjoys writing hog wash on this forum. I WANT to get it. You know what I mean. I don't get why I can't get the message through my thick skull.

Does "letting go" mean acceptance?

You should take a break you're trying too hard, if you keep this up you will drive your self crazy unnecessarily.

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~There's weakness in the hearts of all humans are you afraid to acknowledge yours... ~
Mr. Todo

he sounds like fufe , funny enough Fufe said that he wanted to type *DuDe*, but typed Fufe, so he ran with it ...hmmmm
Interesttttttttttting

but yeah. he is already in the loop. he needs to trace his way back to the source and break it.

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"I'd rather have no bitch than a half a bitch" Iceberg Slim

If you have something in your hand you no longer want to hold on to. What do you do?

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

You drop it.

In fact, drop it like it's hot.

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GMST

Exactly, no one needs to give you the process or define complex terms with that.

It`s the same with your mind..unless you don`t want to.

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."