Natural Freedom

Recently I wrote a few threads and got a liking from you guys. In turn my confidence grew a bit. Approval from y'all gave me the belief that I was the shit! I believed that I was headed in a new direction and finally understood this shit! Not to down myself, I have learnt a lot more when applying myself here, BUT (the fucking BUT) I haven't swallowed the RED PILL and bought into the system.
(I'm peaking at The Matrix with one eye open, scared to open both eyes.)<I'm being such a bitch and wasting my time doing things half-ass.

I fooled myself with a bunch of smoke and mirrors man. I felt like a pimp in the making, but when something came up to handle shit I realized that I only brushed my insecurities and problems aside. The recent highs only took my eyes off what was important. I was fucking ACTING and not being Me... regurgitating stuff from here like a tool. Pretty much minimal introspection and all surface bs I was spitting. No wonder I was off balance talking to that broad that obviously was jockin my front: http://www.naturalfreedom.info/viewtopi ... 8&start=20.

Prodigy opened my eyes enough to see it was mostly a trick I was playing on myself (mostly laziness on my part & fucking inconsistency, BUT most importantly not making the DECISION to be serious about this place and where I want to go)
Deep down inside me still lied the parasitic blood sucking piece of shit demon that I've been allowing to take me down ever since I was little.

This isn't a whine to you all and have you guys say its okay, although my soft ass mind would probably like that! I'm getting back up on that horse. I'm getting back up on the HORSE until the day I die. I will keep fucking getting back up until my mind can say this mindset backwards. Even if I don't have legs I will find a way to get back up on that fucking horse!

I'm writing this to be honest with myself and to use this, whatever it all is, as an example for others. Sometimes you make yourself believe you're fucking changing, but it may all be an illusion if you're not facing the shit you're really scared of; what's inside. I was scared and still am scared.

I'm in the library studying write now, but had to get this out here. Once I finish up my reading I'm going to do some heavy lifting inside my noggin and see what the fuck is keeping me from going where I want to fucking go! FUCK!!!!!!!!!

I STILL HAVE A SHIT LOAD OF FUCKING INNER WORK TO DO.

Yay!

_________________
In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

Possibly one of the most beautiful posts I have ever seen on this forum........

Back to my pushups......

_________________
"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

OK, I can't help myself .......
From Baba Ram Dass - "Remember, Be Here Now"

Note: tapasya is a technique for renunciation, but I find the above caution is appropriate for the type of journey we are on as well. The above has really helped encourage me; hope it does the same for you

_________________
"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

You realize that honesty comes first,
then the courage follows. Truth has to
come first.

That´s living above the line.

_________________
♫♫♩♫‿◦

I've been doing the opposite. Blindly walking with courage. I think I chose not to be honest with myself, because it was too painful.

Whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you... stranger

_________________
Perfect behavior is born of complete indifference.

I like that.

Interestingly, people that are depressed have realistic perspectives on their self. I heard this from a philosophy professor that had spoken with another psychology professor. If this is true then all you need to do is walk down the inner corridors of your mind until you come to a dead end, the point where you realize your self worth.

There is a treasure to be found at the end your journey. The process is different for everyone on the board and the ways that you will handle the journey will be different. Personally, my road has been long and difficult. I still think that I don't understand myself all the way. However, I'm honest with myself at the most crucial of times to be honest.

Here's a thought. Be honest with everyone around you for a month and then see if you're more honest with yourself.

Changing external behaviors results in internal conditioning.

EDIT: THIS MAY BE DIFFICULT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU JUST SAID THAT YOU AREN'T HONEST WITH YOURSELF. SO, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU PRACTICE COMPLETE HONESTY WITH EVERY PERSON YOU INTERACT WITH FOR THE NEXT MONTH BECAUSE IT'S EASIER TO LIE TO YOURSELF THAN SOMEONE ELSE. IF YOU REFRAIN FROM LYING TO OTHERS THEN YOU'RE NOT TREATING THEM AS A SPECIAL PERSON PSYCHOLOGICALLY. CONSEQUENTLY, IT WILL BE HARDER TO LIE TO YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T REALIZE THAT YOU ARE SPECIAL YET.

You're still doing the inner work, but you're doing it at a faster pace. There's still days where I wake up, and I think about certain things in my life with so much honesty that I shed a tear. The tear rolls sideways off of my face, and I recognize what I actually want to do or recognize what I feel that I need to do.

Afterwards, I log the entry into my mind and don't worry about it. Once you come to a certain realization about an event, moment, or ongoing problem with yourself then you will naturally find a solution.

"If you have a problem that you can fix don't worry about it. If you have a problem that you can't fix then don't worry about it."

Soon, you will see your true intentions manifested in the best way that you can possibly attain at that time. If it does not meet your satisfaction, which it most likely will, then your mind will subconsciously search for another way to solve the problem.

Just remember, "You're the problem, but you're also the solution."

Appreciate that roark. This struck a chord with me:
I feel like I have so many "problems", and well that just sucks and gets overwhelming at times (depressing). Sometimes I feel like I like this game of "catch me if you can" that I play with myself; as if I tease myself with change.

@Jared & myself

Honesty with myself that came up today:

* I want to sex the pretty ones, SO that I can feel good about myself. (and I'm horny too ).

* I want friends an peeps to know me, SO I can feel good about myself.

* I'm scared to Let Go; scared of how powerful I really am.

* I'm ANGRY at myself.

My analysis of all the above ^^ the first two go along with my external validation. I haven't understood yet that it comes from within (love, happiness, acceptance, all of it). The third I'm not so sure of why I am scared; change maybe? The final one is angry at myself for many things.

The past just seamed like it got a bit realer.

You were halfway honest with yourself.

You feel like you "need" to sex the pretty ones if it's based off feeling good about yourself.

Same thing with your second statement.

your third statement seems like you're misunderstanding yourself. You're most likely scared to let go because you don't tell yourself to all the time, and you're probably scared to let go because you'll understand yourself differently.

Knowing how powerful you are is an external validation from an internal mindset. It is not an internal recognition until it is validated externally. Yes you have power, but you won't see your power until you have the right mind to...

exercise it effectively.

Your fourth statement seems the most evident and truest statement about yourself. Work on the fourth statement because it's the shortest statement. It's also the most realistic statement, and it's

the least contingent statement on external factors. Focus on letting go of your anger and everything else will start to line up in the position that it needs to be fixed. I say position because from

what I read some of your issues may present themselves together or concurrently. You may recognize them as one issue or separate issues.

Thanks rkd. The "Angry at myself" is the truest for me. I did a little mirror exercise last night and things came up; I could see pain in my eyes. Now, I want to work on letting that pain go.

A few nights ago I realized why I've been stuck. I haven't made the CHOICE internally to accept this path. This is something I knew for sometime. Why couldn't I make the choice? Few reasons I believe to be true: afraid of commitment (the SOLID choice); fear of changing (letting go of the past me feels like death); I have this belief that the "choice" has to be EPIC like when Spiderman's Grandpa dies at the hands of a criminal he makes that STRONG choice to fight crime...I've been waiting for that day of deep emotional pain to make that epic choice within. Such immature thinking! And another sign that I enjoy bullying myself.

All of this is what I'm going through. Today's definitely been a strange day though - I told myself I'd see where my emotions take me and let them do whatever. It's like a pot of water that I'm slowly allowing to boil over.

That spiderman thing resonates strongly as well.

_________________
Take it easy, man. But take it.

I've mentioned before that I can relate to many of your situations moose. It doesn't surprise me that you can relate to this one.