Something additional that I have been doing lately, and don't think i've mentioned before: I started keeping a journal, recording any discoveries I make about myself as I go along. I will elaborate on this below, but I wanted to add this to this thread because it seems that writing "letters to my childhood self" about any roots of self-loathing, anger, neediness etc. that I come across in my self-exploration seems to somehow ease the burden a bit, and makes things more clear, as opposed to if I just kept it in my mind.
*****WARNING: A ROARK RAMBLE IS ABOUT TO COMMENCE:*****
I have once again been experimenting with temporarily removing, from my life, the distractions most precious to me, that are my 'lifeline' (primarily music, but other stuff as well). And also secluding myself away from everyone for a couple of days every now & again, when I have the opportunity. The results have been most interesting: Last time I did this I was able to trace back to the roots (in my childhood) of my neediness. This time around, I have found some very surprising and unlikely 'culprits' in my past, that appear to be at the roots of why certain specific situations or behaviours from people make me feel anger to the point where it feels like i'm trying to keep a lid on an atom bomb. Both times the causes found were far different than, and totally unrelated to, what I had previously assumed.
Knowing the cause doesn't magically stop the pain or the resulting compulsive reactions. But the nice thing is that I can now, whenever I am present enough to put a little space between myself and the reaction, recognise that I felt these violent reactions to these situations (or ones analogous to these) when I was a little boy FOR A GOOD REASON (survival, not being large enough or old enough to defend myself effectively, etc.), but that these reasons NO LONGER APPLY. I have actually been writing sorta letters to my childhood self, in a journal, exploring and feeling through this stuff as I stumble upon it, and forgiving my (childhood) self for feeling this way for the reasons above.
In these letters, I also forgive anyone involved in these situations that caused me pain in my childhood, recognising their unconsciousness (and where possible also recognising or at least acknowledging how their unconsciousness was learned from others), and also sometimes recognising how their own unconsciousness has affected the quality of their own life (no sense hating them or holding them responsible for my 'trauma' or anything like that; we're basically all in the same boat, even if i'm the only one actively searching for a life raft
). Sometimes when I start writing, a whole torrent of related stuff that I didn't expect comes rushing through my mind, and it becomes extremely difficult for my pencil to keep up with what my mind is producing in terms of additional facts and scenarios related to what has just been revealed. Once i've finished writing, I feel as though i've taken significant steps in the process of coming to terms with myself (although some of that feeling probably comes from my ego, but who gives a fuck anyway?
)
Hey, maybe i'm becoming my own shrink!
It seems that extricating myself from my 'life', even in a somewhat limited way - i'm still otherwise working, going to engagements when they come up, etc. - brings up the real shit. Imagine what would float to the surface if I were placed in the situation fufe proposed (
http://www.naturalfreedom.info/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=3186), FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME?
"If I was left somewhere alone, without my family, friends, coworkers, acquitances, my job, my career, my distractions... Who would I be ?"
Going deeper down the rabbit hole with this (with the help of TS Eliot and Joseph Conrad): if this went on indefinitely, now that you have nothing left to fall back on but what YOU have made of yourSELF, would you succumb to madness (the hollow man) or freedom (solid to the fucking core)?
[Take care of yourSELF. That is ultimately all we are ever guaranteed to have. It may also be all we will ever need.]