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PostPosted: Wed Jan 12, 2022 12:18 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jul 10, 2011 6:00 pm
Posts: 1675
Thanks zogler for this : ... 090#p49090
"He will visualize both best and worst-case scenarios, planning in his head what to do if his suit rips or goggles break"
Synchronicity at its best.
I was just thinking about this for a personal situation. I had done that as kind of ACT workshop / in the name of science for myself and "checking my progress".

Warning: it's very difficult to condense 9 months of interactions/observations, so please let me know if I've been unclear.

To make a long story short:
The facts:
I bought a house in the mountains with 2Ha of land Nov 2020.
Neighbor with horses. She accosts me Feb 2021 to ask permission to put her horses on part of my land. (Project with her daughter)
From the start, I like her, I'm intrigued (see: Moments / shadow work / mirror) and it seems reciprocal (she is single).
We sympathize, and with time, mutual help win / win.
We see each other several times a month, coffee, meals, discussions about everything (animals / humans, work,)
She has sheepdogs since June, cows since early November, each animal bring less time for socializing on her side (at least with me)
I catch COVID early November, and it lasted more than a month in bed most of the time.

The decisive moment:
[Since August, we see each other less and less, she doesn't give any news anymore, or has a lot of unexpected things and busy days / doesn't answer simple questions ("How are you doing?"), except when she needs something from me].
At the beginning of December, her cows escaped and came to "other parts" of my land. I tell her that they can stay overnight without worrying if they need to.
She asks me to lie to the neighbor because he talks behind her back about "her mistakes" to the villagers. I tell her not to worry that I'll do it.
She puts her cows back the next evening, and informs me afterwards. Without asking me first, without telling me why, without thanking me.
Then three hours later, she sent me a message again to tell me that they had escaped again.
I told her I didn't really understand what was going on but that I could help find them.
She replied "Ah, you didn't get my previous message, I had put the cows on your land".
Me : "Yes, I had read it, but I didn't know what to say, so I didn't reply".
She : "There was nothing to answer, it was just to inform you, that's the least I could do". - GUT FEELING "THAT FUCKING BITCH, I'M A MORRON / TOOL TO HER"
The next morning (8 Dec), her cows are eating MY garden (artichokes, salads, ...) and then leave for the neighbor's.
I calmly (but frustratingly) texted her after she came take them back somewhere else and she informed me, "They smashed up my garden, but hey, as long as you're OK... have a nice day and see you soon", no explanation or apology from her. (GUT FEELING x2)
The next day, I just sent her a message "Just to inform you (there's nothing to answer) Worrying that the neighbor is talking behind your back is not healthy nor respectful to yourselves considering all the efforts you make for your project".

No news, until January 5th, I sent her polite good wishes. She replied 2 hours later with same polite good wishes. No news since.

Since mid-December after some inner work, I felt exactly that : ... 581#p19581
"This is part of having healthy boundaries for yourself. Not letting people walk all over your boundaries and having ones that are utterly bendable."
"They had to see I would walk away and not put up with it. Until I showed them that, they did not fully believe I would."
Now :
I'm not planning to contact her at all, except in June to recuperate all my lands if she doesn't contact me before. (No "want" anymore, feeling that she has served a great purpose / lesson already)

If she contacts me, depending on what she says, I'll walk away by sms (cf previous post) :
" I have articulated this also : 'I feel this needed to happen, you kept pushing until I walked. You were not going to stop until I did because you needed to see that I would. You would have kept on until I did, going a bit further each time until you hit that point where I did. If I had not of walked you would have just kept pushing further and further to check that I would not. The mistake was that you miscalculated at what point I would walk, so it caught you by surprise. The bottom line is, you needed to see that I would walk and not look back and not give in. Now you have seen that, what have you learnt, really... Now you have the answer, are you happy with the methods by which you got it and the result....'"
Or meet her and we'll see how I feel at that moment. But I'm confident things will be HELLA different from now on.

Breakdowns :
Since I met her:
Mirror / shadow work / inner work / ACT :
- So, since the beginning, I like her / I'm intrigued by her. So I tried to get to know her (without trying to fuck her, more so seeing if she's "fitting to me" as she looked like to be "sent from heaven for me" [first interaction :lol:]).
1. Qualities I see in her (mirror, projections, that I develop / improve in myself) :
- Joy of life / doing what she likes / passion.
- Hard work / willpower / specific goals.
- Self-confidence, approachable, common sense.
2. Defects I see in her (mirror / projections, which I reject / repress in myself):
- Overworked at work. (or "excuses on her part", but it doesn't matter to my mirror)
- Unreliable on schedules / deadlines / plans (she has stood me up several times)
- Dishonest / disrespectful (lately, and gradually, more later).

Since the decisive moment, I've told myself that I'm overreacting to my guts shouting she's being dishonest / manipulative, and have reviewed once our text exchanges (and remembering the exchanges in person). Nope, guts were right.

Also, I understand perfectly now, how MY behavior influenced hers over the months, until she crossed my boundaries. (A gift from her, I had trouble identifying them) :
- She stood me up "several times", and over time (me, one or two impediments, ALWAYS reacting with 1.):
1. Justified, apologized and rescheduled. ME: No problem.
2. Justified, did not apologies and rescheduled. ME: No problem.
3. No longer justified, did not apologize, and rescheduled. ME: No problem.
4. Didn't justify, didn't apologize, and didn't reschedule. ME early Dec: Worry, I'm fucked, no respect. (My guts were already spamming me from situations 2. onward but discarded it, due to my intention / want to meet / know her more)

-> Back to the first quote "best / worst case" as all situations lead to "indifference + space + having my own life" :
- Worst case, she has been manipulating me all along to get access to my land (my value to her then), and as over the months I have "disappointed" her as a Man (by not trusting my intuition, wanting something from her [knowing her / more]), she became confident that I don't need "more" value from her, as I have accepted all along that she gives me less and less...
- Best case, she is really busy, would like to see me again / is interested in me / to have a social life again (if she has cut off all contact for her project, ...) but too many unforeseen work / family problems (death of her grandfather) and she focuses on this priority (and it is a test to see my value / behavior, win-win for her).

Or everything in between these two extremes. In either case, the lesson is very clear to me.

If she's testing me for my true worth/limits or doesn't care about me, ignoring her/doing nothing/letting go is the only viable solution FOR ME (and I was disrespecting myself and her by bending to her whims without PROVIDING another option) and for her, ONLY IF her behavior changes I'll let her enter my life again).

Through this perfect (meaning, I NEEDED THIS) "experience", it cemented :
- My lust / attraction was a drug / pleasure (thanks TheDude: ... 067#p49067), now it's a happiness (pleasure = I want more. Happiness = it's fine as it is, I don't want more) -> I know I'm still attracted to "her" (what she means to me / I'm projecting to her / what she COULD be), but I rely on behavior (treating people accordingly) to know she's not good to me now, so fuck her.
- I am the GATEKEEPER for Value.
- I am becoming / being my best friend / self-confident (I question myself and have already started to change my behavior with other people / situations, so as not to repeat these patterns -> CONFIRMATIONS).
- I am becoming / being indifferent (I don't blame her, I am grateful that she showed me those parts of me and gave me the space to attack/acknowledge/accept/love them -> yet I won't tell her unless she behaves better). ... 581#p41581
aTrueRebel wrote:
For some reason, this experience pushed me into a WHOLE NEW level of indifference. It truly solidified my mindset. I really didn't give a shit anymore. Genuinely. If people wanted to stay in my life or leave, either or was fine with me. I was comfortable with both regardless of how much I liked their company. I loved not only my company more than anything else, but myself as well. I began to accept any and all emotions and thoughts, and just let them be. Even the bad ones. I treated them like disruptive children. If you try and stop a child from being disruptive, 9/10 what are they going to do? Become even more disruptive seeing all of the attention you're paying it. What if you accept their current state and just let them be? Eventually, they're gonna tire themselves out.
What "tools" have helped me make peace / shown me that I am increasingly "happy"?
- This forum (old posts about similar situations):
SPACE / Treating people accordingly / Trust your gut / Indifference / Mirror / being the best you can be / having your own life / Limits / boundaries (investigating my shadow/unknown part in what I was projecting, accepting my responsibilities, not accepting "disrespectful" behavior, according to my gut)
- ACT (defusion of my thoughts, acceptance of my feelings, my values)
- Woujo / Delusion Damage (for indifference: don't get angry / look for explanations or to explain yourself. She acts well = my best self. She acts badly = I ignore her / I don't care).
- Robert Lustig (pleasure seeking / contentment seeking)
- The COVID (bedridden, lots of time to think, question myself and NO desire to see anyone again -> SPACE + indifference that kept being reinforced as I dived deeper :)

Probably a lot more to say, but this is already a lot.

PS: I will expand more on the influence of this forum on "me" (how the brain / mind / guts process things now compared to 10 years ago) over the years in the Gems / precious threads later this week :
ALSO, this is the place to write about your progress, the changes you notice since you joined this forum / the impact / influence it had on you (different from your experiences and stories). Things that can help other readers

"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
Alvin Toffler

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