Natural Freedom

Sup guys,

I think the answer, or at least a different path to walk, came to me today. The whole concept of internal validation and basing my sense of self-worth on...well, on myself - was foreign to me. Having everything geared towards appeasing the validation of other people towards me created a sense of panic and confusion. Pleasing myself seemed so...wrong. Like I was hurting somebody. Having moved a lot during my whole life, I always had a sense of playing catch up toward my environment, always trying to fit in. I always secretly despised people's successes, because it meant less attention and opportunity was there for me. I have forgiven myself for that as well, but that can't continue.

Basically, being with myself and doing what made me happy seemed weird and off because I derived no validation from it. Even things I know I'm really good at, I'd still need other people to tell me it.

This is all still kind of new, but I can now differentiate anger and fear from my worrying about external validation and the threat of a lack of it in the future.

So external validation is a big no no (no shit). Pleasing myself and keeping myself happy could hurt people (my mindset), but I realize that that's not true.

That's basically it for now. I'll be taking a break from push ups, or at least have inner work running in the background for the time being. But I'm sure me and the push-up station will be reunited in the near future.

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Take it easy, man. But take it.

Fair enough, but that may do more harm than good at this point.

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"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."

Yeah, you're right. That was just me wanting to take a break from all this, but I think I need to keep going now that I feel I might be making progress.

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Take it easy, man. But take it.

As you start digging into the core, things will come up in the internal/external that are not always pretty. People won't always like it and may try to push you back to where they are comfortable with you. "Worse before it gets better" is not uncommon.

In order to keep moving forward when the 'external' gets more uncertain, self validation becomes absolutely essential.

Teacher of mine was asked "what's the fastest way to let go of wanting approval?" - his answer "give it to yourself"

Probe the relationship between self-validation and hurting others all the way to the core. If you are willing to follow it, you will find it goes all the way to the fear of death.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTXz8xMaJi4

If you gotta take a break, take a break.

I did it and so did a lot of other guys here too. Coming back with fresh eyes will be good. Do what you gotta do.

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

THIS^^. Sometimes you have progressed so far you don't realize it until you come back after having some life experiences. I've taken a few breaks, and each time I've come back with more to learn and more to offer in return for my hard work.

One thing is for sure, you cannot beat yourself up over this stuff. That's counter productive. If you ACTUALLY shake your mind to its core then it takes weeks, months, and maybe even a year to rebuild and reinterpret what you have shaken loose.

Just like your muscles, things literally get broken down and the nervous system must re-establish itself at the new more functional level. You may even learn to love it in the way that the 'burn' or soreness of exercise starts to feel good 'cause you know where it's going.

Also means resting and integration is part of the process. Suddenly that same weight isn't so heavy when you return. Sometimes seeing all of it including the rest as one big process helps - you're not really "stopping" for a while, the stopping is part of the thing, you are just doing what needs to be done for that moment. You can't *always* be lifting

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTXz8xMaJi4

Moose, I haven't really been posting in your threads lately, because i've been focusing on my pushups - and with guys like Kidd!!, 'Grinus, Flow and all the other cool mf's on this forum you don't really need my input anyways.....

But I just wanted to say "fucking congrats". The OP really made me smile. Quite a while back, inspired by a post by 'Grinus about how he loves to do things on his own, I started doing things, that I would normally do with friends, by myself instead. A big one was going to the movies. The first time it felt wierd, and I felt strangely vulnerable (open to attack, kind of), but after a couple times it not only felt natural, but fuckin' sweeeeeet! I know everything happens in it's right time, but I still couldn't help but think "Man, why the fuck didn't I start doing this sooner?"

There is a subtle feeling of reclaiming my "power" when I do this - before I would either have to compromise and see whatever film the rest of the group wanted to see (always a big turn-off for someone who is as into individuality as I am), or otherwise wait until someone wanted to watch what I wanted to watch (which I now realise used to lead to a feeling of powerlessness). And I think every different aspect of "being your own best friend" is probably similar to this, in the early stages at least, in that while it's scary to have to stand in your own solitary corner, where if you fail it's only YOU - no safety in numbers here - and the responsibility is ALL YOURS, it also solidifies your sense of SELF, your individuality, and your sense of personal power. A lonely road indeed (although my experience was that after a short while the loneliness had dissolved), but it is also feeling to me like a very MASCULINE one.....

[Fringe benefit, but not really important b/c my focus is on me now: but women seem to jock reaaaaally hard when I do things like this........]

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

Oh, and on the "hurting people" bit; one thing that has ALREADY begun to rear it's ugly head with me is with a close friend of mine (a true friend after 15 years or so). I still visit him as frequently as before (no need not to), but by not relying on his company IN PUBLIC anymore, HIS dependency and need for external validation is now occasionally becoming apparent (although very rarely, since there are other people in our social group as well). This makes the "hurting people" bit that you mention very real.

The thing is, though, while I HAVE NOT left him out in the cold (nor will I ever do so), I ask myself if I am really helping him by catering to his insecurities. The answer I have come up with so far - subject to course corrections as necessary - is that I will continue to "prop him up" from time to time in this fashion if he wants, provided that it does me no harm or serious inconvenience. After all, despite our friendship, his self-development is his responsibility, not mine (although I offer him constructive criticism every now & again - and this is nothing new in our friendship). And besides, I can best teach by example.....

Basically, I feel no guilt over my newfound emotional independence, but on the other hand feel no need to be a staunch hardass towards my loved ones about it either, provided that this does not infringe on said independence.

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

Once you stop allowing other people's problems to become YOUR problems, you reach a state of zen that is utterly intoxicating.

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EVERYTHING in life is conditional...EVERYTHING.

Pimposophy Revisited is now finally available on Amazon in all territories!

Really nice post roark, full of subtleties and nuances.

Others would do well to read those two posts repeatedly.

and this:

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

@ 'Grinus - Aw shucks....... As ever, thanks for the inspiration.

@ Kidd!! - great advice (in a fuckin' one-liner as per usual.....) I don't want to become totally ruthless (not that you were saying to anyway), but I do want to reach that place where NO ONE's problems are mine. I guess where i'm at right now is wanting to clearly know the difference between GUILT and CONSCIENCE. I'm more than willing to listen to my conscience (I think it may even be related to "Gut"), but I see guilt as a waste of personal power (handed over to the other person, like if i'm a sucker or "trick"), and should therefore be treated accordingly. I see the difference between the two as analogous to the difference between an emotional decision and one that comes from "Gut".

@ Moose - once again, props!

[and cool posts as usual, Flow]

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

Just got back from a small hiatus myself.

Sometimes necessary to let those fried synapses cool down