by default Dali?! Props to you!
... it gets beautifully uncomfortable from the get go.
Oh it is very uncomfortable! My thoughts are: put in the work now, and sow the rewards a bit later; even if it feels crippling at the moment.
What did you feel like in the beginning?
I assure you, the thoughts you shared in the above quoted post now that you are somewhat "conscious" doesn't even bare a remote resemblance to the ones you have when you really sit and shut the fuck up.
Like all endeavors the feeling was: Why am I even doing this shit!? When did it occur to me? What whas I thinking?
Am I a freak or something?... Am I trying to scape some thing in my life by closing my eyes and "be with it" and then call it I will live in solitude or "meditate", or is that "someone else" trying to cheat on me making me believe, that this thing I'll do is avoiding life?...
But at the end, what's inside my mind is my life and by that personal conclusion I was not avoiding life, rather I will dwelve in it to the fullest by observing it. Dhayana or Zen or Meditation, the same shit. This was the feeling, like hoplessness but not so dramatic, just hopeless like when one fails at a test and it's too late to regret. I didn't know other thing to do that really amuse me and frighten me at the same time. For me it's a good combo.
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