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setting your boundaries and the past
http://www.naturalfreedom.info/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=801		 Page 1 of 1
Author:  Sniper [ Tue Feb 15, 2011 11:19 pm ]
Post subject:  setting your boundaries and the past
this is still a big chalange for me in life- with women and people in general...
setting my boundaries: on one hand to be a good person and not hurt people's feelings, on the other hand if one is too much good people use him.

I'm not naive and I don't let people use me, yet I still find it hard sometimes to set my boundaries :oops:

I'll use an example from my situation:

I'm still in touch with my ex-girlfriend. Sometimes she gets really needy or tries to control me-Well that never happens because I don't let anyone control me...
and sometimes I need to be tough with her to remind her that I'm not under anyone's control.

On the other hand I find it hard sometimes to be tough with people and hurt their feelings
because when I was in my first two years of high school I was very hurt by people and I had no friends. So everytime I run into a situation in which I need to be more tough with people- I always remember how bad I felt in the first two years of high school and then that stops me.

I don't know what to do...
Author:  The Pokemon Trainer [ Wed Feb 16, 2011 12:33 am ]
Post subject:  Re: setting your boundaries and the past
I used to be rather timid and I would never assert myself.... But I learned that it's not that a person has to be a dick or an asshole needs to be nice, but it's about showing yourself respect and not being afraid to express your true feelings.

The woman I spent v-day with told me that my best feature was my sincerity and my ability to express myself without fear.

Hope this helps.
Author:  Sniper [ Wed Feb 16, 2011 1:24 am ]
Post subject:  Re: setting your boundaries and the past
thank you The Pokemon Trainer,
I guess the problem is that the ghosts from the past are always haunting you until you are able to let them go....

the fact that I'm a perfectionist is also causing me this I think.
sometimes perfectionism+ghosts from the past= hard to change. But I am working on it...
Author:  rant [ Wed Feb 16, 2011 2:59 am ]
Post subject:  Re: setting your boundaries and the past
what i do is to provoque the situations that trigger the fear or anxiety, in your case what situatios trigger the fear of hurting others, in my case it comes oout when i have to cancel a date or when i have to change my plans with others so i fear to make them feel bad for not being there when they need me, whatever you chose you let go and don't look back, when i was young i was afraid of hurting others becasue of the fear that they won't talk to me anymore, to me is the only reason on why we are afraid to hurt others, the rules about friendship are tainted by the matrix too
Author:  Sniper [ Wed Feb 16, 2011 4:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: setting your boundaries and the past
@rant

I just thought about it and I guess I'm afraid that:

I'll be alone if I hurt people's feelings. I was alone (with no friends) in my first two years of high school so the fear always keeps coming back. :(
Author:  The Kidd!! [ Wed Feb 16, 2011 4:24 am ]
Post subject:  Re: setting your boundaries and the past
I guess that's why I'm the way I am. Once I became my own best friend, I actually ENJOY being alone. Is it healthy? Probably not...but it sure is effective! :mrgreen:

I hate when people say 'I don't want to die alone'. Hey, dumbass!...EVERYONE DIES ALONE. :roll:
Author:  Sniper [ Wed Feb 16, 2011 4:28 am ]
Post subject:  Re: setting your boundaries and the past
The Kidd!! wrote:
I guess that's why I'm the way I am. Once I became my own best friend, I actually ENJOY being alone. Is it healthy? Probably not...but it sure is effective! :mrgreen:

I hate when people say 'I don't want to die alone'. Hey, dumbass!...EVERYONE DIES ALONE. :roll:
Thanks Kidd, well the truth is:
I love being alone and with myself. I know people that need other people to be around them all the time- and I'm not like that. I need my space...
however the fear of being alone is that: what if I'll have no friends and then I'll have no social life....

I love being alone but everyone needs a social life too
Author:  rant [ Wed Feb 16, 2011 6:55 am ]
Post subject:  Re: setting your boundaries and the past
@sniper
Quote:
what if I'll have no friends and then I'll have no social life....
did you read the post from peregrinus about taping into your Sub conscious

Quote:
by not grabbing onto the thoughts as they come, by not resisting them, their true essence will reveal itself, they will distil down to the core issues.

In some ways you need to go through this to reach the real clarity, otherwise the baggage will keep resurfacing in your thoughts.

You can also throw something into the water and then see what comes up from it. Priming your experience.
Author:  Sniper [ Wed Feb 16, 2011 7:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: setting your boundaries and the past
@rant

thanks man, that's what I needed :) I read that post before and never thought about using it on this condition.

well, Ok if you guys don't want to be my friends then that's cool and fuck you all :lol:
Author:  Alchemist [ Wed Feb 16, 2011 9:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: setting your boundaries and the past
In life we will always inevitably hurt someone's feelings unintentionally, whether or not those people come back to us is based on how deep and true of a connection you really have, so there's no need for guilt dude.
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