One thing that does make me curious is how she 'played the open relationship' with you. I think there is something there and probably not what you think.
This is were the hint to what I really want could be. We emigrated shortly after we got together but just before this happened I had slept with other girl. I told this to her after about two years. After she began having same sort of fun. I wanted to be easy about it so I could fuck other women without hiding myself with it. So I was saying that is what I want and stayed with her to have regular access to pussy. But jealousy was eating me up every time she shown an interest to other man. And it felt like I was a lesser of man every time it happened. Myself I had not much luck with other women for few years. They always liked me but I kept killing it with my sympishness.
I can see how I made this brew for myself. Now I am drinking it.
I think first you have to decide what you want.
Really want.
I always struggled with this a lot. Always knew what I don´t want, though.
Also think about what your needs are.
...and that is completely new dimension. I never thought of that!!
One more thing that I did not mention, but think is important. I love decent titties, and my girl has OK breasts but rather small. They get bigger before her period and I feel I really love her than. But when I see a girl with larger breasts it just trips all my fuses. I know it´s ridiculous, and I find myself quite hesitant to write it, but wanna point it out as it seems to knock me out of my tracks a lot.
Kidd, you know this yourself. You are absolutely right. I was actually resisting your answer somehow. I guess it was n´t what I wanted to hear.
I feel a lot of resentment towards her for all the years in suffering I went through and I am not sure if I wanna work through this with this woman.
I would strongly suggest letting go of this before making your decision. It is clouding your judgement, and if you make a decision based on the resentment, that is not a fair decision to yourself.
There is a ton of info on this forum on letting go. Search "letting go" and "let it go" and you will find a ton of threads.
there are some things I really don´t like about her
This on the other hand is much more valid. Once resentment is no longer clouding your judgement, you will be much more able to see things as they actually are and will be able to make a decision on actual facts and realities.
I will definitely look into that. I actually don´t know how much of this resentment is still there. You helped me realize that.
thank you guys
of to the push ups