Natural Freedom

So... After some deep and not so deep realisations, I understand that most of my self-loathing is because I expect way too much from myself.. It's irrational to the point of "Be the best you can be, live the truth or give it up and die." So little fail comes and I feel like my life ended
Also I have ideas what to do with my life, but listening advice from you guys saying "Face yourself" comes as "Go build a cathedral, I don't care you don't even know how to draw it or imagine it properly, go build it nao", something I can hardly comprehend.. And expecting from myself I should be able to live free as you guys do in shortest time possible makes me feel "Do it now or die" so I give up and do nothing at all.
I just have this unrealistic belief that it took you guys few days and you got some deep realisation, I read mooses thread and I get it's not like one experience comes and I'm done
I know you want to tell me I should ask myself and not anybody else and trust myself, but the thing is I felt i should ask you guys about couple things couple times last weeks, but I told myself no they told me I should listen to my inner voice.. Then I realised my voice was telling me it was ok to ask you, actually.
The patterns in my life hardly changed if at all.. I managed to get parttime job in meat processing factory (2.5pounds an hour approx) so I got some money finally - And last shift, I was sitting in an empty room during lunch break drinking tea and realisation came to me - That I somehow made a choice long time ago I'd work there, but nothing detailed or the purpose of it, just that I made the choice, it felt very silent..
I see a girl coming too, but it's way too much simmilar like the last "relationship" So I see the end coming even before it starts
Another thing is that I see literally EVERYBODY around me living in an illusion, I don't blame them at all, but I know I just can't I can't live normal life. Well probably can, but don't want to. Gets me back to Live well or Die...

Writing this i get little glimpses, small fractures of pictures, it's not clear at all but I get them a lot know.. Especially when I listen to some pieces of music, play some games (especially those with that "Free" feeling), or draw.. What is that, is that inspiration clogged by a mud of shit or something ? Anybody experienced this ? The pieces often have like something tham feels like wall of a castle, or construction with vines growing all over it, etc.. It feels very secure, peaceful and right, but I have no clue WTF !

Btw guys, I realised when I draw without music the result looks better, the work itself is more enjoayable - It sure distracts you ! So.. I realised that creative work is best done in SILENCE !

All quotes are from lightsleeper :

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"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
Alvin Toffler

I once tried to do the best of someone better...

Your best is good enough. You just start from anywhere, every single day.
The finishing will always take care of itself once you have started.

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♫♫♩♫‿◦

Getting closer, that silence will be to your benefit, stay with it.

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"Simply put, you being in her life is a BLESSING. Her wronging you in any way is her own self-inflicted CURSE, and if she does wrong you, then let the punishment fit the crime. Her life will absolutely SUCK without you."

^^THIS

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

When I am at the office I like to keep the radio down, or even completely off. My coworkers however always want the radio on. They don't like the silence.

My guess is that most people don't like silence because it confronts them with themselves. To be in silence is to be with yourself.

THIS TOO!

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EVERYTHING in life is conditional...EVERYTHING.

Pimposophy Revisited is now finally available on Amazon in all territories!

I think this is very true. My mom always has to have the radio on and she never turns it off. There is almost never silence in her home and if I turn it off, she becomes really upset. She's the type that can't tolerate even the concept introspective thinking.

I like the silence. I like to keep things as quiet as possible most of the time.

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“I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. . . ."

-Thoreau's Walden

I'm the opposite lol, I love having my iPod going. Helps me think

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

I've been the same way until recently. Sometimes (some) music inspires me, but lately I've notice that I've gotten very little alone time and I've seen that true reflection, for me atleast, (only/mostly) comes in complete silence (without any background noise).

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1ThewholeWorldbesearchinforthosewho'dbesearchinforthemselves.

3Hearingstoriesabouttheirgrandparents,madethesonsintogreatsons.Allgreatheroesadoredheroeswhotheyregardedas 13xGreater thanthemselves-theGreatBeingsoftheFuturesPast-totheirlastbreath.

Now you people understand the true monks.

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GMST

At the workplace in the meat processing factory, there's no radio... Thank god for my facing-myself and releasing practices, not resisting etc.. Without it i'd probably quit the first day ! I endedup being glad there's no music, actually.. It's somehow peaceful, even with those machines rumbling
I've been like your mother pkmn.. But I see how I'm distracting myself when I'm listening to music when I'm doing something. There are some music pieces that pull out deep feelings from me tho
Btw, I started drawing guys too ! Not only hot women anymoar ! I'm sketching assassins for my next wall painting

You know I figured what'd really move my heart - I see in today's world close to none appreciation for man's artistic craftsmanship - People rather buy furniture from fuckin IKEA, mass-made jewelry, ultracheap clothes from budget stores that look all of the same kind etc.. I'd like to see people start making stuffs and if not selling then trading - One produces tables and chairs, other works with metals, somebody else can make clothes or produce food... I know it's very idealistic, and old-fashioned in today's world, but I see it in so many people, the creative force supressed because they are chasing shits and "don't have time". But everybody knows that things made with passion tend to be of more quality... Well that's about it my little rant

THIS is a big deal...awesome.

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EVERYTHING in life is conditional...EVERYTHING.

Pimposophy Revisited is now finally available on Amazon in all territories!

...so beautiful it makes me want to cry. Nicely did fufe , I get most of my sorting done in the wee hours of the morning since my days are noisy a plenty.

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"I'd rather have no bitch than a half a bitch" Iceberg Slim

How many of you have a radio/cd etc in your car?

How many of you drive without it on?

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

When I really need to chew something over, I drive with it off. My mind is so damn hyper-analytical tho that I welcome music during the commute to decompress. Usually the car (sometimes the gym) are the only times I listen to music.

...oh and folding laundry.

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EVERYTHING in life is conditional...EVERYTHING.

Pimposophy Revisited is now finally available on Amazon in all territories!

This is good stuff fufe. Something positive to remind yourself is that most people don't sit in deep thought like that or sit in silence and just be still. Everyone is always looking outside themselves for answers. Silence is where power lies.

SILENCE!!! - so fucking important!!! so is:

SOLITUDE. I recently came out of an experiment where I played no music at all at home or in my car, and only watched 1 or 2 hours worth of TV per week. My pact was to do this for a month, but ended up at about 6 weeks.

I thought this was going to be painful, because music plays a HUGE part in my life. But as I wanted to start speaking to my shadow, I felt that time with myself, WITHOUT DISTRACTION, was essential. Well, I did manage to come to terms with some of my inner demons (low self-esteem due to a feeling of abandonment being a main one) - there is still more work to be done, but I felt this process start to plateau somewhere during week 5, so I took that as a cue from my subconscious telling me "that's it for now; come back later."

Yes, it was painful (main emotions felt during that period were intense anger, a little bit of demoralisation, and a few (brief) bouts of depression.

I was always given to introspection and being alone for long periods of time, but this exercise made me realise that, even when I am alone, if I listen to music, read a book, watch a film, or go on the internet, I AM NOT REALLY BEING ALONE - these things actually distract me FROM MYSELF. Two scary things come to mind (scary for others, I mean):

1 - the music, books, and films that I entertain myself are usually the type that stimulate me mentally & emotionally. If "high art" (elitist as this sounds) distracts me from myself like this, despite being a positive force in my life, WHAT THE FUCK are the people who consume cultural garbage DOING TO THEMSELVES??

2 - if, despite being totally comfortable with solitude, I can still find aspects of self-loathing in my psyche when I remove all distractions, WHAT ON EARTH is housed within the minds of the billions of people on this planet (i.e. all those not on Natural Freedom ) who are compelled to ALWAYS HAVE SOMEBODY AROUND THEM??

I think I actually am starting to feel sorry for the poor fuckers. Yes, even the bitches who are pimping......

By the way, I had little access to the internet recently, so although late, I hope all of you had a great XMas. My best wishes to all of you for 2013 and wayyyy beyond (by the way, weren't we all supposed to die on the 21st?? No prob, we can always look out for the end of the Aztec, Aborigine, Carib, or Cheyenne calendar....)

May we all continue to be shining beacons that only those with testicular fortitude can see....

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

Couple of observations during the period described above:

1 - I have always been good with animals & little children (especially little girls). This went through the roof during my experiment with silence & solitude. Almost every little girl in the vicinity would literally stop what they were doing and stare at me. My next door neighbour's cat now lives on my patio (don't get me wrong - this is an uncommonly friendly cat; however, the fact that it now practically lives outside my place although I don't give it a single scrap of food and it's owners feed it religiously makes it worth noting in my book). Also, I was out somewhere paying a bill, and the company had one of those cheesy, crappy fish tanks, and as I happened to walk past it, every single motherfucking fish in the tank raced towards the glass and pressed themselves up against it, just looking at me. It was kinda spooky.....

2 - I have had experiences before of women walking past me and subconsciously stroking my back or something (actually, this subconscious touch is FAAAAAR more relaxing than the usual TLC you get from the average bitch, and actually has both a soothing and strengthening effect on my entire body; too bad the effect is lost once consciousness resumes on their part.....) Anyhoo, one night coming towards the end of my experiment, this chick walks past me while I was sitting on a high stool, with one leg crossed & horizontally resting on the other. Well, while walking past me, right in front of me, she reaches both hands to her side towards me, and strokes my (horizontal) leg with both hands. I didn't really care, but I decided to try an experiment: when she returned, I looked her sqaure in the eye, and her look basically said "why don't you get the hell out of my way"? So I said to myself "yep, it WAS subconscious" and carried on observing the scene around me (which is what I was there doing in the first place).

Just some observations, but I think it corroborates something I posted in another thread: Jung also postulated that this is what primitive cultures refer to as "mana" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mana). Whether or not he is right, I have been seeing other evidence of this phenomenon, and the more I get to know myself, the more potent it becomes. Needless to say, any time I try to test it consciously, it FAILS MISERABLY.

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"I will not grow in the light, until I pass through the darkest caverns of my heart..."

"Temet Nosce"

Fufe - addressing your original post: I think seeking realizations about yourself is a perfectly good thing to do, but I'm not sure if it matters why you have self loathing - whats important is that you do.

The bigger thing I can see from your post (and pretty much every fufe thread since I joined the forum) is that you're struggling against yourself.

Why?

There are lots of posts on this forum about how one of the keys to this mindset is becoming your own best friend (accepting yourself completely, giving yourself unconditional love, whatever words you want to give it). If my memory serves, Grinus has posted quite a bit about it, but others as well.

Watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTa_pMUy ... Tg&index=7

Maybe his recommendation in the video will help - sit for 10 or 15 minutes and do nothing. Feel your body, feel your breathing. Just notice the physical feelings you have and accept everything that happens. Doing nothing for 15 minutes is the easiest thing in the entire world if you don't make it harder than it is.

Maybe thats what it means to "face yourself".

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"The society gives you a map; I give you only freedom. The society gives you character, I give you only consciousness. The society teaches you to live a conformist life ... I give you an invitation to go on an adventure." - Osho