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I have made great strides toward my goal of becoming the best person I can be. The difference between who I was before January and who I am now is so stark that my past self seems like a stranger.
I have successfully swallowed The Red Pill. Nevertheless, my past self still stalks me like a shady man in a trench coat. He leans against fences in alleys and sits in the dark corners of pubs. He observes me in the supermarket as I buy my provisions and he watches me from askance as he drives very deliberately by me in his black Cadillac. There are times when he fails to show himself for a long stretch of time and I believe him to be truly gone. Feeling free from his silent tyranny, I quietly rejoice in his absence from my life.
Then, at the height of my complacency, I notice him watching and smirking at me yet again in the corner of my eye. He smirks because he knows all of my weaknesses, all my regrets, all my insecurities, and all of my failures.
He grins because he knows about my best friend, Mr. Kitty, my god mother, my father, my academic shortcomings, my weight, my inability to provide for myself, my misanthropy, high school, Nathan, Robert, Chloe, Amanda, Leonard, Austin, Zach, Alloura, Katie, Casey, Elizabeth, Kodai, Yoshie, Asuka, Little Monster, my weakness as a manager, my failure as an announcer, my failure as a radio host, and especially that vile Kelsey.
He knows that even though he is no longer in the limelight, he can burden me with pain and guilt, and he will never completely die so long as he can stalk me in the shadows. It seems that no matter what, he is here for good unless I can find a way to slay him.
I am proud of what I have learned and I am excited for my future and the strength that I shall inevitably draw from it, but I cannot seem avoid being pained by my past mistakes. In fact, it could be said that I am living a life of regret. I often tell myself if only I could go back in time or if I only knew then what I know now.
Some of my regrets are very small, but still stick to me nevertheless. Others are so great that I’m not sure I can ever forgive myself for them. I could examine them on the surface, but that would do no good, like removing the dandelion but not digging out the weed. Indeed, this pain comes from somewhere deep within. I plan to make a post in the very near future after I have analyzed myself via the principles of projection a bit more. I’m making good progress, but more thought is required.
For now, I’ll settle for asking you guys these questions: how have you handled the pain of regret? How have you come to terms with your past? How have you healed from the suffering caused by regrets both great and small?
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“I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. . . ."
-Thoreau's Walden
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