So here is how this began, these will be in separate posts as there's alot to digest.
A couple years ago I had split up with my girlfriend at the time, we were not together for that long but she was the first person I felt really happy with. When she went on vacation it felt like she had been gone forever. When I saw her again I knelt before her, she was the most beautiful thing on earth. Not long after that she ended it with me because we were not on the same trajectory. I wasn't in a hurry to settle down and she needed me to shit or get off the pot. We're still very good friends.
A couple months later I met a customer at work, just friendly chats to begin with then we start flirting. She asked for my number and I went to hers that night. We ended up together for a few months on and off. Ultimately it came down to me not providing the emotional intimacy she needed and being indifferent whenever she would leave. The breakup was not amicable but she reached out and we're still very good friends and very much an important part of each others' lives. She's a champion for me and has supported me and propped me up in my endeavors and getting my shit together.
I felt at peace with being alone at the time. I was free of the drama of a relationship and just focusing on myself, and then a couple months later I caught up with a friend of mine (we were seeing each other briefly after my really bad breakup, the 'fuck it' one from another thread). She ended up at mine that night, unexpected, before that I'd accepted that sex was off the cards and that we'd just be friends.
Around that time my ex (last relationship above) came over to hang out and I seduced her into bed. She had a boyfriend at the time but I did it just to see if I could.
Not long after that I got with another customer at work, this time it was just a fuckbuddy situation for a couple months. With her I had a 3-some with my buddy and my first 4some with spectators. She stopped sleeping with me after awhile, she later told me it was because we didn't have an emotional connection, which was fair enough.
During that time I was fucking 3 girls in rotation and another one just a one-off but she later returned (that will be in part II), the girl above being one of them. 2 of them were friends and they all knew each other, sometimes we all hung out for drinks. I even had them all over once and there was some competitiveness
. In that period I was completely open and honest about where I stood and it felt natural. I was enjoying the shit out of it too because it made up for my shitty personal and professional life at the time.
I went back to my hometown for vacation and had a couple dates whilst I was there with the most attractive and intelligent girl I had been with yet, we spent my last night at a hotel. For me that was serendipitous, it put all those years of growing up there with anguish about sex behind me.
I was effectively trying to fuck my way out of chaos. I was bitter and angry and had a whole lot of hate-fucking to get out of my system. Ultimately though it felt empty and a loneliness was creeping in every time I spent the night alone.