So, I've checked some old stuff on my facebook and I think it has been about 6-7 years since I released my first problem and started doing inner work for real.
I've come really far, released hundreds (literally) of things, mostly I release 1-3 things a day, on weekends even 5 or more if I spend the time.
I've released I think quite a few things that are considered impossible to fully "cure" by modern psychology.
The deal with women is, that I can't make myself want to have sex with almost none - Havn't had sex for about 5,5 years or so, nor any relationships.
I Suspect my sexuality was heavily influenced by two big things from my childhood.
There are basically 3 types of incest - Sexual, physical (the one everybody knows), suggestive (sexual desire is expressed but not acted upon), and covert (A parent makes their child a pseudo-boyfriend/girlfriend).
I was a subject to 2 out of 3 - suggestive and covert.
My mother used me as her pseudo-boyfriend becasuse she didn't like my father (at all). And I felt homosexual desires from my father that got expressed towards me - maybe not intentionally, but I felt it and had issues around it.
I had almost all symptoms of a survivor of covert incest, still have lot of them, but the progress is extremely good
Not talking about ton of issues how are household was fucked up
Feeling sexual towards women is still hard, I feel the romantic desire but sex is a problem. Tried to "force" myself to it, doesn't work. Women are immeadetely disinterested when they sniff from you you are not able to fuck them.
I'm pretty much on the asexual spectrum, but I will not give up, because I am firm at believing it is a result of trauma, not something I was born with naturally in my case.
The biggest issue I am facing now consciously is feeling of being burned up when relating with women romantically - I would think this connects to me mother exhausting me a lot with using me for emotional support. I Broke and I had enough of it, I'd say.
Even discovered one of the girls I know is asexual, but our contact ended when I asked her out
lolI wouldn't change how anything went a slightest bit when it comes to inner work, there is absolutely no comparison to how I felt few years ago, let alone 7 years ago. Absolutely none.
What I am concerned about though is, how long is this going to take. I am not getting any younger
It is my highest goal in life now, has been for some time. I do not have anything important than this in life (other than survival
)
