Greeting, Gentlemen!
So I have decided to start my journal to log the insights I am getting while digging myself deep.
With the information offered by seduction community (a big thanks to RSD) I managed to lose my virginity like 2.5 years ago. For last couple of years, I was basically like a rooster at poultry farm. Reached my goal of fucking 150 girls and then stopped counting.
Yet, there is still a hollow in me and for some reason I don't find peace within. I have no life goals as of now and I am completely fucked. I moved to California to get my masters degree and then got kicked out because I did not study and gamed "way too much".
Anyway, I am back here in India and applying back to universities in California again. I hope I get an admit so that I can clean up the shit I started.
I am 25 as of now and I want to find out something that will bring me happiness.
I know a lot of wisdom like find happiness within but somehow I am not able understand the depth of that.
I read quiet a few threads around here that helped me get started thinking in that direction. when I came here I had no clue what it even means to dig myself. Thank you to all others who shared their experiences. It has definitely helped me a lot.
Allow me to share with you what I experienced in last couple of days since I started digging myself for real.
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Issue 1:
Talk of "love yourself"
- I can't bring myself to love myself if I haven't achieved anything. It's more like conditional love as opposed to unconditional love.
The reasons that I can think of right now are rooted way back in my childhood.
My mother never appreciated me unless I score good marks in school exams. I remember I was very much of a pimp and very creative with sport strategies when I was a kid. I was forced to fit in and was never allowed to cultivate my creative and rebel side.
I also remember my parents scolding me to make me act in certain way just so that people won't think bad about my parents.
Yeah, so basically I was trained to live upto other people standards. I was trained to put myself down all the time.
- Now also, my parents want me to get married to the girl of their choice (who is fat, by the way, and crazy feminist). I refused and they try to convince me that there are certain things that a man need to do for the happiness of others. What a manipulation. ha!
They just want me to get married to that girl just because they can walk around proud that their son is over obedient and listens to everything they tell him. This, in my opinion, is pure selfishness disguised as "love".
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Issue 2:
A couple days back, I was out with some friends of mine. One of my female friends brought her other female friend with her. She was cute and she had this outright "not interested" kinda vibe with bitchy face towards me. I was so tempted to run my game and try and bang her as soon as possible and I could have. But two days before that I read those pimping articles here.
Thanks to The Kidd!! for those articles helped get a clear vision of how I want my game to look like. Like let them come to me, let them win me over, let them work for me. I am way too much in love with myself kinda game (which is inconsistent, to be honest, considering the place I am coming from right now)
So I decided not to be active gaming her. I was just focused on (or rather pretending to be focused on) myself. Something I am not used to.
There is this really good looking friends of mine. No game, complete puss, world class symp, and a pussy. But he's got muscles, good style and pretty/cute looks. Chicks just love him. And that new girls started jocking him. And it kinda threw me off balance. I was trying too hard not to game. It kinda triggered certain fear in me that I will never have girls jocking me. I am not good looking and I am completely fucked without my game.
To be honest, I always had and still have a shit loads of limiting beliefs about my looks. I consider myself to be unworthy for any girl because of my looks. And I try to overcompensate that with my "game" - or whatever the fuck that is.
The reasons go, again, deep in my child hood.
I am the only "light brown" skin colored in my family (and my mother is also the same). Rest all the people are pure fair. They are so fair that certain people think they are European whites. Yeah, so I was always ridiculed and outcasted by my siblings and brothers/sisters.
Not to mention that they all are fat now and I am still in decent shape.
And perhaps, I am not that bad looking either. Just the limiting beliefs.
I still have a lot of girls jocking me, but my ego demands that each and every girl should jock only me and not those other good looking fags. lol. Pretty childish, I know.
Yeah, so, I didn't game or such. Everytime I talked to her, I just held intense eye contact and was just talking to her formally.
Later in the night, I guess she started jocking me subconsciously. I am not sure though. But that is not important.
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Good thing is that I came across these deep insecurities.
About the insecurity that girl triggered in me by her not acting as per my expectation, it reinforced the motivation in me to work hard on my front and clout.
I realized that I am not as ugly as I make myself think I am. I say this with some real life contradictory experiences. As a kid I was very popular among females for my looks.
If I work hard on my look and be more obsessed with looking my best, may be I can get over that limiting belief.
I must work hard on front and clout.
That's all I could gather as of now. Will share more as I discover more.
Peace.
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Proof, you knew I'd come outta this slump, rise from these ashes.
Come right back on their asses and go Mike Tyson on these bastards