Sucking Mary Jane's titty is an enhancer, it brings out what is inside, sorry son you still got much inner work to do.

In undertaking any tapasya, one is usually overwhelmed by the amount of ego that creeps in. Pride, self-pity, wanting to stop because it all seems meaningless or confusing or is too slow . . . all of these ego demons and many more drop around to foil any such undertaking. A thousand times they will succeed and you will give up your program in disgust. But a thousand and one times you will return to your efforts because you see how it all is. That's just the way it is. As many times as you trip and fall, i.e., give in to a desire -- just get up. There is a tendency when we fall for many of us to sit around and feel guilty and wallow in self-recrimination.

"However sinful a person may be, if he would stop wailing inconsolably: 'Alas! I am a sinner, how shall I attain liberation?' and, casting away even the thought that he is a sinner, if he would zealously carry on ... he would most assuredly get reformed." - Ramana Maharshi

You realize that honesty comes first,
then the courage follows. Truth has to
come first.

That´s living above the line.

Whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you... stranger

I've been doing the opposite. Blindly walking with courage. I think I chose not to be honest with myself, because it was too painful.

Interestingly, people that are depressed have realistic perspectives on their self. I heard this from a philosophy professor that had spoken with another psychology professor. If this is true then all you need to do is walk down the inner corridors of your mind until you come to a dead end, the point where you realize your self worth.[/b]

A few nights ago I realized why I've been stuck. I haven't made the CHOICE internally to accept this path. This is something I knew for sometime.

fear of changing (letting go of the past me feels like death);


I have this belief that the "choice" has to be EPIC like when Spiderman's Grandpa dies at the hands of a criminal he makes that STRONG choice to fight crime...I've been waiting for that day of deep emotional pain to make that epic choice within. Such immature thinking! And another sign that I enjoy bullying myself.

All of this is what I'm going through. Today's definitely been a strange day though - I told myself I'd see where my emotions take me and let them do whatever. It's like a pot of water that I'm slowly allowing to boil over.

That spiderman thing resonates strongly as well.