Natural Freedom

So I got a part-time job, working as a poker dealer.. It exactly what I was doing year ago, in two things - I like it, but it's challenging to the point I'm nervous everytime as fuck.
I underestimate myself, I've done mistakes that I thought would get me kicked out, but I've been told by floorman: "That's ok, everybody makes mistakes, give yourself couple 100% poker-free days over the weekend, then practice and you'll be fine in few weeks."

Funny thing is, it's literally the same company I was working year ago, but differrent city and different department.
I like it, I want to do it in the future if I can and the money is good too, people there are good to work with.

This led to getting my confidence back - I understand what scarf was telling me back then (And others too, but he comes to mind most strongly). I've been getting more looks than ever lately.
What surprised me, is that the girl I wrote about in the latest topic - she was always against poker, saying she doesn't get it, it's not fun at all, one time she told my friend
"Throw that away when you can !" Reffring to m poker suitcase.
I told her "Fuck you, it's my life !". She didn't sa anything.
But after I got the job she changed her mind, now she's sitting next to me when we are playing,
she told me "I kind of understand it now, it's ineteresting game.. Tell me how it went at work when you get back, I'd like to know."

So yeah, I finally know what I wanna do in life
Thanks to all who helped

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"The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
Alvin Toffler

women are like cats, cats don't like poker because...

it all started when:

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"a sniper is the worst romancer, he never makes the first move"

Hardly surprising. Good sign though.
Bravo fufe

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In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

thanks.

Also interesting coincidence:

At a pub I happen to often be with friends, there was a new waiter. Buddy paid for beers with 500 crown bill (beer is about less than 30 crowns), the waiter told him "I have to give you change in 50 crown coins, I don't have bigger value bills."
And he stacked them in front of my buddy like poker chips.
"You are stacking them like chips !" I told him.
"That's right. I used to be a blackjack and roulette dealer at a cruise ship for some time."
This happened day before I went to Zlín to try out for the dealer job.
I chatted with him about it and he told me "I liked it for some time, then I realised I want to help people, I couldn't watch them gamble anymore."
That made me realise that I probably also won't be doing to my whole life, since I'm too oriented towards helping people.

He was also wearing a horde warcraft T-shirt so we talked about that too

congrats fufe your in action!

how long do you plan to stay as a dealer, or, are you going to just flow with it and see what happens?

I just feel like writing, so I'll doublepost

I just got back from an otaku meeting we went to (about twenty people).. Pub, house-party, poker, fun.
I noticed one girl liking me, it was obvious.. The looks, how she talked to me - I can't hardly pinpoint specifics, but I felt it, not the first time I could tell.. I'm not attrated to her at all, the personality she shows to people repels me, I don't like her physically, nothing. I don't know what she's like behind the social mask, but I'm not compelled to find out.
The girl I like didn't really show any interest, I hardly talked to her or anything. Just when we arrived with friends, she was looking at me in a way I can't identify properly - but It was kinda honest look, more I can't tell.
I could probably scan for others girls, but nobody I'd be interest in, so I didn't.

I talked with a good buddy and what he talked about absolutely reminded me of myself year and half ago - his change of looking at things, understanding the dynamics... It seems to me that some guys who choose the path of growth get through simillar phases.

I'm at the phase I'd call "stagnant knowing". I can see the dynamics around, people like advice from me, they ask for it often, I see them going through simmilar things I did through.. But nothing really happens for me. Things have been working it in some ways, and it stopped working or so it seems.
I'm working as a motivator and a guide for other guys now, it seems like it.. But it feels kinda weird with no girls for myself

I'm not disatisfied with my direction or situation.. I'd like to continue doing a poker dealer, I have money to pay for myself, got good friends, I play games as much as I like to, my health is OK.. Only no girls, even during my sympish days I had more experiences with girls, it surprises me.

I have no idea what lies ahead, none.

@Dude
I plan to go with the flow... It's very well paid, I'm nervous but it's challenging and fun, so we'll see. And the experience would look good in my reusumé

Well done! Make it a habit to face the things that make you "nervous". It makes life that much more interesting!

Fufe, you're a beast, bro.

Cards, booze, and broads. Sounds like you're living in a Western film!

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“I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. . . ."

-Thoreau's Walden

Dafuq, I didn't touch any bitches at all !
I only held hands with one, it was one of those silly "Let's go holding hands like kids in kindergarden !" moments I do all the tiem
But yeah.. This particular may be interested, thinking about it

But cards and booze.. Fuck yeah, poker and whiskey..

You can do it.

Also, have you tried card throwing? I saw a vid somewhere of a guy cutting things up by throwing playing cards. I suck at it, but it's a tight little gimmick.

_________________
“I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. . . ."

-Thoreau's Walden

I've seen a couple videos, havn't tried that yet.. I have to perfet dealing skills first
But I'm interested in learning it in the future tho

btw don't know if I told you yet - I'm reading the book you are quoting in your sig, pretty neat

Wow, the emotional rollercoaster that I'm living is just unreal.
Yesterday I was excited about the future, today I feel like shit.
I'm not even excited about the dealer job, I'm just afraid now.
Fuck being ENFJ. I can't even properly live being alone, fuck being relationships oriented, highly empathic and tired all the time carrying the burden of others' feelings.
I tried to work on these states, nothing really worked to help, my efforts made it worse. Then I happened to talk with I girl I like and after that I felt so calm I was suprised - Zen almost.

If that's required for me to work properly or better, then I guess am very well fucked ?

I'm also starting to feel guilt that I don't like the girls that like me last few months. It's weird, I feel guilty for more things that I'm not responsible for.

I'm thinking about girls and relationships most of the time, rest is poker. I'd say 85% to 15%.

I understand that everything here is appliable to you guys, but I'm having very hard time practicing being unattached, not thinking about girls, giving space, when I just, simply, care about people - Especially girls I like and people I respect and see as friends. I just can't hold feelings back, it tires me into depression.

I know you told me about masculine girls may like me, but I don't see myself being feminime, I've been told I come up very masculine actually, even when emotions are visible on my face - I can't hide shit, when I feel something, everybody can see it.
I'm not really attracted to masculine girls either - I've met few and they were too hard logical for me, talking to them drained my energy and I felt tired like shit.
I like girls with similar values and temperament, NF attracts me. I attract them too, but after some time it just ends - I never understood why, I'm trying to find out to this day.

And I've been told again to write articles about relationships. Like fuck I know anything, since I can't find partner even for myself..

You won't realize the quantity of motherfuckes writing about this relationships/shit without "having any", and making it more complex than string theory and also making loads of money in the process. This doesn't stop your message to be heard, and if it rings true to most of the people, it's because its true.
Sort of like you are the MailMan and the you become sad or angry because of the contents of the letters, your job is only to deliver.

In fact I actually feel like that, the only big difference (I only write for it myself, don't sell it because this is more like self revelations) but you get the contradiction. It's like "I'm usually right but I don't have any, at least not for now " Or I try to reach for something and nothing happens, got repellant spry

It's a dry spell I must shall pass through fire. And I don't mind being stuck for now (trusting the process)
Yes it's uncomfortable, yes it has his highs and lows, yes I feel like imbecile writing in a forum sometimes, but that's just life.

And when all (including me) seems stupid and useless, I just stop... Just like that. Why concerning so much about this shit? Isn't this site made to help me and guide me to make me free, I actually asked the universe to make me free, FIRST of all... And I allways remember I must LET GO, when veering to others stupid concerns.

Something that worked and still is working for me: Just write shit up as it comes, no censorship. (I did this excersice before knowing it's one recommended practice in the King, Warrior Magician & Lover) It helps you to reduce the mental stress, and when you reread your shit you start to spot your patterns of thought and discern from where it comes.

And you know about the shadow work, just keep plowing.

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GMST

Why?
explain?

_________________
In building a statue, a sculptor doesn't keep adding clay to his subject.He keeps chiseling away at the inessentials until the truth of its creation is revealed without obstructions. Perfection is not when there is no more to add,but no more to take away.

@Dali

Hmm, yeah.. In my writings I see myself going through diferrent things, I've come to accept the past, I don't have that many regrets as I had, couple of small things also, I try not to underestimate myself so much..
But the problem I've talked about always seem to remain.
Relationships are just my primary concern. Somebody elses primary concern may be painting or other craft or art, getting as much social status as they can, to travel the world, I don't know..

@Peregrinus
First I was excited, I thought I wanted to make living from it, to see people play and learn from it, but also it was challenging because I did not know where I stand with my skills, it is out of my comfort zone. I was nervous as hell. Now it's for the most part just fear of fucking up. I'm not excited for it, the money is good, but I know I'll probably feel like shit and I'm afraid even now, few days before working. But I have to do it, there's no other way.

Then stow that insecure, self-defeating ass bullshit and DO WHAT THE FUCK NEEDS TO BE DONE!

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EVERYTHING in life is conditional...EVERYTHING.

Pimposophy Revisited is now finally available on Amazon in all territories!

Don't use your personality temperment as a crutch Myer Briggs is pretty accurate but don't let the model dictate reality. Reality dictates the model.

And I find it useful to rationalize the morality of it. As a player my goal is to get everyone elses money, they should be gambling with money they can afford to lose.

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"The heart is deep beyond all things, and it is the man. Even so, who can know him."

I think I'm ready to talk about the biggest conflicts I have with this forum's philosophy.
First - It has many positives, I don't want this to sound like mocking or anything.

As I'm thinking about relationships practically all the time, I'm trying to figure out how to solve my problem - That led me here. I've read here that I can't care, or I can care only a little (less than the girl). But I tried not to care, it was too cold so the girl just gave up, rest I cared too much, was sympy, etc. I can't tell what's too much what's too little, because I can't be myself not caring.

What really got me doubting was conflicting experience I didn't talk about here yet. I thought a girl liked me, so I gave space, only talked to her a little IRL. I got her on facebook, but never texted her. She didn't do anything, half year later a friend of hers told me, "She was just afraid to text you, you didn't talk to her so she thought you weren't interested and gave up."

I have problems of being myself and living Kidd's pimposophy - it seems very emotions-hiding. I can understand not acting on them but I can't hide my emotions, even when I do everybody (especially females) still see how I feel. I'm the opposite of Golgo 13
I actually think I can use my feeling capabilities to my advantage here, I'd just be probably first around here.. As I am people oriented, I could direct the empathy and people-helping-skills to other people, that would be as much as somebody "walking their path", "living their adventure", "life purpose", etc. If that doesn't work, I don't know what will.

Also, I can't grasp how to lead and provide space at the same time. It seems contradictory to me. Peregrinus told me about a situation it was messed up - It was, because I didn't know any better and probably don't know now.

I also don't know about the gut feeling. I can't diferenciate it from any other.

Those are the biggest non-understandings I have..

You added her to facebook: That's not creating space.

Talked to her a little in irl: There's a difference between being aloof and ignoring a girl, you were being aloof, which looks like space, but it isn't.

Don't listen to what her friend says, bullshit!

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The honey doesn't chase the bee.

A wise man once said "I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread."