Meraki, I wasn't planning to make any posts on this forum at this point (still reading through and digesting the material) but I have had realisations recently related to your question, and wanted to post them in the event that they may help and encourage you. Warning, this is going to be long, so whether you (or anyone else on this forum) want to read on is up to you (or them):
I also "bristle" (to be specific, I psychologically assume an attack posture) when people provoke me IN A CERTAIN WAY (I am usually very indifferent to personal attacks and "jabs" due to my general disdain for the human species
, but I do have my blind spots)....
Anyways, what I have realised is that, for me at least, noticing incremental improvements in my "response time" (i.e. the time it takes between when I bristle and when I RECOGNISE that I am bristling) encourages me to improve (without really making a helluva lot of effort). Here's how it goes:
At the beginning of this year, I would only recognise LOOOOOOOOONG after the fact that I got defensive when someone made a little jab at me that happened to hit one of the aforementioned blind spots (maybe later that day, or even the next day, or next couple of days). I would tell myself that it's ok, it happens to just about everyone, and since I KNOW that I am more spiritually and psychologically developed than the average motherfucker out there, I WILL improve, and will keep an eye out for these improvements, OUT OF INTEREST AND CURIOUSITY.
Around April/May, I noticed that the "response time" had improved - I was noticing that I was pissed and defensive immediately after the conversation was over. Later that day, I would realise this, recognise the slight improvement, congratulate myself on it, and know that I will continue to improve - after all, I am STILL more developed than the average assholes out there, aren't I?
(I know, I know, watch the ego - anyways, moving on....)
By July/August, I was noticing what was happening to me WHILE in the middle of these types of conversations. THIS is where my confidence in my self improvement took a quantum leap. I mean, to realise that my ego is allowing me to be manipulated WHILE IT IS HAPPENING is somehow hugely empowering.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago - someone (who I barely know, but who I think is a fairly cool guy) made a casual statement to me that also sounded like a veiled threat. Check out what happened inside my head (this didn't happen in words, I am just using them to describe what happended):
"Whoa, feel that? I was ABOUT TO assume an attack posture!! Interesting.....OK, so what is he REALLY saying? OK, now that I am not being ridden like a horse by my emotions, I can see that what he is telling me could be construed not as a threat, but as good advice, and I will consider it later.....However, this fucker needs to consider carefully how he delivers his advice, 'cause one day he will do this to the wrong person, and there'll be hell to pay for all concerned... At any rate, that wrong person WILL NOT BE ME, so it's NO LONGER MY FUCKING PROBLEM."
That's how it's been working for me. I am also beginning to apply it in other areas of my life as well. Perhaps the methodology should be different for each individual, I don't know..... But I thought I should post this, in case it helps.......