What I thought was indifference is actually me being apathetic. Apathy as a reaction to me having a deep and gigantic fear and expectation of people not liking me.
Don't you think you should at least congratulate yourself for having this realisation? Respect is due. Very few people self-observe.....
And either I just stay quiet and keep to myself, even when I am genuinely curious about what is being said,
This is one of the wars i've been fighting too. I see examples of "pimp-tight" behaviour on this forum, "know" that this is how I should be, and sometimes act like it, WITH SOMETIMES DISASTEROUS RESULTS. After swallowing the red pill, I have realised that my next step is NOT to BECOME like the other guys on this forum, but find out how the discovery of the all-encompassing nature of the matrix relates to the man I was, the man I wanted to become before seeing the matrix, and the man I want to become now that I have seen it. I predict that I will NOT be like the Kidd!!, nor even like 'Grinus (even though his writing reminds me a lot of myself sometimes) - and I hope that I will not become who I WANT to be, but instead have faith that I will become THE MAN I TRULY AM ALREADY (think about this - if it still doesn't make sense, see Grinus' sig).
DON'T DESPAIR - you simply have internal decisions to make, and "inner-demon work" to do (instructions on this will be found all through this forum). I am going through this too, and can already see a faint light at the end of the tunnel.
.......followed by another tunnel, then another light, then another tunnel, etc.......  We just deal with them as they turn up (and they do at the right time).
I place way too much importance on feeling positive vibes from people, and get frustrated when I stay quiet and don't have people engaging me.
This happens to me too. A lot less, now that I know what it is. I could tell you what I have realised it is, but I would be cheating you. Everytime you feel this, look at the feeling and ask, why? What do I want? I find that I have to be hard on myself in order to find the answer, and then be gentle & forgiving with myself, once I do.
I see men around me visibly initiating, trying and changing their mannerisms when a women walks in, and that they (the women) are responding to it. And I feel completely lost.
Why would you want to be like those guys? They will have to act like that for as long as they want to keep the chick. Can you imagine the effort? My shoulders ache just thinking about it......And if they get married to the woman and have to act like this THE REST OF THEIR LIVES? No thanks.......
The other guys are right to encourage us to forget about chicks for the time being, but maybe this will cheer you up: A lot of the guys here preach about NOT CHASING (it resonates with me, as a matter of fact, based on past experiences), and the latest is that recently I was told that a very impressive chick (looks AND brains) who I met at a party was asking about me after I left. The guy who told me is someone who I always grudgingly admired for years for the amount of chicks he has slept with. When he was describing her reaction to me, I could hear the amazement in his voice. As much pussy as he has gotten, I do not think he has EVER seen this reaction from a woman towards a man, not even him. The guys you are seeing DO NOT GET WOMEN. WOMEN GET THEM!!!!!!!!!
Enjoying a simple day is rare because of all this bullshit surfacing from my mind and leading me down weird paths.
Two things:
leading me down weird paths
Why not follow these paths? (do not get absorbed by them, just observe the thoughts - other sections of this forum, especially some posts by 'Grinus which I don't have the time to dig up now, go into this). See where they lead....
Enjoying a simple day is rare
Unfortunately, you may have to get used to this. Let me explain....
I CANNOT GO OUT FOR ONE GODDAMNED PLEASANT AFTERNOON BY MYSELF WITHOUT SOME FUCKING CHICK JOCKING ME. IT IS NOW A PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!!
I know that I should be the one to figure this out
You're right.
I fear I've gotten hopelessly lost.
Correct, except for the hopeless part. Go inside your mind. You are the best company for yourself; not a girlfriend, not a "soulmate" (ugh!), not even your closest male friend, nor your parents - YOU ARE.
However, let me warn you - your inner demons will pop up after a while, and it may even be SCARY AS FUCK. What I am doing is remembering that I AM THE ONE WHO PUT THEM THERE (fear, shame, embarrassment, self loathing, hate, etc.) Personally, what I am doing is offering them the opportunity to come back up into the illuminated (conscious) parts of my mind, welcoming them back to a place at my dinner table so to speak, BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE THEY BELONG, AND DESERVE TO BE:
Come back home, fellas. We have work to do - TOGETHER (in other words, once integrated into the conscious parts of my mind, I figure these demons will give me far greater power; not just with women, but with my work, passions, etc.....)
To the other members of the forum, feel free to correct anything that you feel is mistaken. I am still a rookie.
Hope this helps, Moose. I have to go out now, and my internet has been sporadic lately, so I can't guarantee I can even reply to any questions you may have, but there are far more capable guys here who can help out.... |
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